Friday, 18 March 2016

Ten lies about me

Ten lies about me
by Kyle
  1. I am using this font because when I was just born, someone threw grape soda on me and I started singing this song called “Special Elite”. Then my mom said that that font wasn’t supposed to come out until I was 9! Then I started writing with that font on the same day Queen Elizabeth was born because I could use my farts to travel in time.
  2. I eat a lot because when I was still a little girl I went to war and got captured by a trumpet and the trumpet force-fed me lots of tea and crumpets just because it rhymed with his family name, and then he started making me eat soda cakes that tasted like cardboard. The soda cakes turned gigantic and made my stomach like an aircraft carrier.
  3. I have curly hair because when my grandad at Taiwan was nearly blown up, he cut his hair until it turned curly so that it fell off so that his hair would not catch fire if a nuclear bomb from 2059 came from the future. Pity he refused to grow anymore, though. He could have looked handsome.
  4. Once when I was five I ran away from my 5-story apartment from jumping from the top window. But because right before I hit the ground I saw this hideous sight (I later found out it was my teacher) and got momentarily distracted and started to fly. I slapped a Taiwanese man because I didn’t like his hair I and I got his power of speaking Chinese in a Taiwan way. And that is how I learned how to speak Chinese.
  5. I have brown eyes because I thought it would be fun to make a portal in the Caribbean ocean. But after it all drained out onto the mars rover the pirates of the Caribbean came and spanked me for doing such a bad thing. And so they took me to space and into the color chamber and turned my eyes brown. So I ate Captain Jack Sparrow and exploded all the dumber pirates using anfo stuffed into their stomachs (I fed them the anfo as pretend rice) for the brown eyes. The rest of them got caught by the Shadow Proclamation. Then I found out I liked the color brown. Whatever!
  6. I have Jimmy, Mackenzie and Angus as my friends because when peed on a pole I got sent to Alcatraz and drank freezing soda and ate hot chips with them. Then weCLASSIFIEDCLASSIFIEDCLASSIFIEDCLASSIFIEDCLASSIFIEDCLASSIFIEDCLASSIFIEDCLASSIFIEDCLASSIFIEDCLASSIFIEDCLASSIFIEDCLASSIFIEDCLASSIFIEDCLASSIFIEDCLASSIFIEDCLASSIFIEDCLASSIFIEDCLASSIFIEDCLASSIFIEDCLASSIFIEDCLASSIFIEDCLASSIFIEDCLASSIFIEDCLASSIFIEDCLASSIFIEDCLASSIFIEDCLASSIFIEDCLASSIFIEDCLASSIFIEDCLASSIFIEDCLASSIFIEDCLASSIFIEDCLASSIFIEDCLASSIFIED(The reason that the top bit is classified is because it would give you spoilers. For example, We kill an alien. We eat a unicorn. We hunt a manticore. By the way, all my other friends? I found them in this old lanky shop with a Chinese man. I refused the gremlin, of course.)
  7. I like riding bikes because once when I was a young sparrow there was a caveman who was an evil dumb caveman, and he evilly rolled over me using his bike which had square wheels made of stone and killed me. But then I saw a white light, and some bodies were shown to me, and I chose a Tyrannosaurus Rex body so that I could be awesome and then I stepped on the evil dumb caveman. But then they evolved into Vikings and made a bomb and killed me so I came back as a human in 2004. And I am now an awesome human thanks to evil biking caveman! :)
  8. The reason I (and the rest of the world) have skin is because I once, when everyone still had  invisible skin, ate white chocolate while riding a bike with three penguins with the army band while blowing a tuba, and then I accidentally spat some stuff out of my tuba and now most people have white skin because of that. And then we all tried to destroy the species of human who still didn’t know how to play piano, and still had invisible skin, and we shot them with milk chocolate bullets then they all turned into the black people.
  9. The reason I like to watch Doctor Who is that when I was a time lord I flew a Tardis into space, but then the stupid head Daleks came and started a war of time. But because I was so smart, I escaped the timelock. I then got pushed into a parallel universe, where I was not real but instead a TV SHOW.😑
  10. Once when I was still a toddler, I was put on a reality TV show by my parents. To make me actually do what they wanted to do, they had to mind control me. But since I was a smart baby, I destroyed the telepathic connection circuit and made them all go boom. But some of the power still lingered beneath me, and made me sensitive, and that is why I am ticklish.

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